Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Blink


"How did it get so late so soon?"
 - Dr. Seuss

Tomorrow is a milestone, a minor one in the grand scheme of things, but a milestone nonetheless.  Tomorrow is the first day of school. It is also the first day when all of our offspring will be participants in it.  The Boy begins 4th grade. The Girl begins 2nd. The G enters kindergarten. So there you have it - the last of the fledglings will take her first real steps outside the nest. She will be following the first two who have already opened their feathers, stretched out, and tested the thermals.

Flash forward a decade and the G will be entering her sophomore year in high school, the Girl will start her senior year, and the Boy, the first of our brood, will begin his sophomore year of college. Assuming there is no boomerang, our son has already passed the halfway point of the time he will share our home.

But 10 years seems time enough, right?  Down the road three thousand six hundred fifty days feels distant, doesn't it?

Or does it?

10 years ago today was a Friday - Friday the 13th.  My wife and I had lived in this house for a mere 7 months, having moved here from points north. We had been together more than 7 years by that time and were just a couple weeks shy of our 3rd wedding anniversary, which we would celebrate in Hawaii. We were an unencumbered pair, with no real responsibilities beyond a cat and a couple of dogs.  Our time was our own and we indulged it freely, whether with travel, dining out, movies, or often just a picnic.  We were free and time was on our side. Yes, time was our ally, matched our rhythm, allowed us to savor, to reflect, to breath.

On that Friday 10 years back we were expecting guests, the Triple Ds - Dan, Deb, and their five year old daughter, Dharma.  They were among our first visitors since our move. Dan, an architect, would offer up his help for a planned remodel of our new home.

It was an otherwise ordinary weekend of old friends coming together with perhaps too much wine. It was only punctuated by my wife's unusual queasiness throughout, and an injury to my knee during a picnic hike.

Though by the calendar it was long ago, I remember every single detail of that weekend - remember them all acutely.  It feels as if no more than a week has passed.  I remember our guests' late arrival 10 years ago today, the bruschetta growing soggy on the dining table for them.  I remember Dan stretching his measuring tape that weekend, here and there.  I remember sitting in the chair of our living room, my knee wrapped, and mitigating the pain with a good vintage. I remember Deb stepping out on the patio repeatedly to remind Dan they needed to leave, and Dan placating her - "Yeah, in just a bit" - before returning again to our conversation. I remember the deviled eggs my wife made on a whim the day of the trio's departure and the fondness I felt both for my wife and those eggs. I remember it all despite the 10 intervening years.

We didn't know it then, but that innocuous weekend marked the beginning of something.  Our life was forever changed from that point on.  The injury to my knee turned out to be a torn ACL. But that nausea my wife felt over that weekend? It was morning sickness.  Exactly one week after that day 10 years removed from this one my wife and I were informed that a child, our child, was growing within her.  A new volume was about to be penned in our story.

The decade since has been a cascade of change. We welcomed the Boy, and then the Girl, and then the G.  Our nightstands groaned under the weight of well-thumbed copies of What to Expect When You're Expecting and The Expectant Father and Dr. Sears. We devoted hours to finding the perfect diapers or safest carseat, were overwhelmed by cute onsies and adorable mobiles. The house was flooded with shape sorters and strollers, diaper wipes and Caillou, teddy bears and board books - nearly drowning us - and then, in a blink, that tide receded, denuding our home of all that precious driftwood. Birthdays and Christmases and milestones melted their candles, burned their bows, and raced by.  For years we slept with small humans upon us and beside us, but their imprints are now long faded from our bedding.

Over those 10 years our home's often deafening music receded to nothing, supplanted by the luxuriance of extemporaneous lullabies and bedtime books, memorized word for word. And oh, all those idealized first words, lost teeth, and potty times.  Bandaids and hugs became commonplace, gently soothing little wounds. We planted trees, built patios, and marked our children's palms in concrete. Baby bumps and breast pumps. Fridge pictures and freezers of milk.  Tears, vomit, poo, and countless readings of Good Night Moon.  Nina and Star and plasma cars.  Bouncy seats and mommy meets.  Wiping yet, another bum and "waiting for the hot to come".  From pull-ups to piano lessons, jumpers to jump ropes, "yogi-dogis" to yearbooks, we piled up these perfect fallen leaves only to watch helplessly as they scatter in a whirlwind of seasons flying by.

We have marched through preschool and into grade school.  Playgrounds have been conquered, nightmares banished, training wheels abandoned. Self-consciousness has been kept at bay, protecting the fertile ground of whimsy, fairies, songs and wonder.  The magic of Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy prevailed triumphantly before being mortally wounded this year (at least for the oldest) by life's most indelicate cruelty.

These past 10 years have seen us indescribably joyful at our children's births and lives, but also deeply grieved with the deaths of those pets that began the decade with us. And there has been more to weep.  My grandfather has passed. My wife's father - my children's only grandfather - was lost just this last spring. Our time has been scored by geneticists, cardiologists, therapists and ER visits; scarred by the stumbles, mumbles and dislocations, the broken windows and the broken backs that prompted those encounters.  Our great, unbridled happiness over the last decade has been countered with a series of crushing blows that initially caused us utter panic, and then depressive dismay, and finally resigned shrugs.  It's as if the universe uses the laws of physics when meting out life to us: for every action there must be an equal and opposite reaction.  Balance in all things, I suppose, but it has at times felt too cruel.

All of this has happened and so much, so much, more since that weekend of reunion a decade ago.  It is far too much to hold in the flutter of 10 years.  It overflows.  And it has gone by so fast.  I blinked, and ended up here.  How does so much happen so quickly?  This is not a case of regret, it isn't another chorus of Cat's In the Cradle.  I didn't miss anything.  I was here the whole time.  And still there wasn't time enough.  Had I been able to avoid sleep for the decade I still could not have taken it all in.

All of which begs the question: what of the next three thousand, six hundred fifty days?  As the kids climb towards adulthood, slowly shaking off the cuddles of childhood, and begin their launch countdowns, how do we catch it all? If the last decade hurtled by how will we cope with what's ahead?  How do we slow it down?  How do we wrap it up, rope it, leash it, stop it?

How do we keep from blinking?

I don't know.  I doubt anyone does.

But I do know these tears make it hard not to.




Monday, August 11, 2014

The Pool


It's been a regular feature here for eight years. Every summer. Through its many incarnations (a different one every season) it has cooled the offspring almost every day during the torrid summers here.   It has provided them with a respite from the heat and reason to laugh and splash and run and otherwise indulge themselves. It's probably saved a few baths as well.

Many of our neighbors have in ground pools.  They are, if not a standard real estate feature, then at least a fairly common one.  The Valley gets hot and pools are how residents here beat the heat.  Most of the pools aren't even heated, depending instead upon the sun to take care of that, and the sun does. 

Our house has no pool, so the inflatable variety has been our only option.  They have been purchased usually in late May and we have generally been fortunate enough to have them make it through an entire summer (one year it took three purchases to get to September).


The first year, when the Boy was a year old, saw the classic round model, easily inflated and filled.  His summer that year was was a wet one (and carefully watched.)   His first unassisted steps took place in that pool on the Fourth of July, practice for the dry land walking milestone that followed 8 days later.


The following year, as if to make up for the dullness of the previous year's model, I went all out.  An inflatable water park with a slide and ring toss, a basketball hoop and a rain curtain.  It was a hit with the kid and though initially fearful of the slide he eventually made the big climb and indulged himself.  It was almost daily.


In 2008, the new pool reflected his growing interest in dinos/dragons and featured two slides that he could utilize.  The poor design of the pool meant that once inflated neither the head nor the tail stayed on the ground, but I doubt he noticed.  That year, for her introduction to water recreation, the Girl got her own small pool complete with an inflatable sunshade.  In contrast to the Boy's crazed water fest she was often found contentedly sitting in her pool, sucking her finger.


The next year the realization that it would be shared by two kids meant that a large (and therefore) more pedestrian pool was called for. Deep and long, it easily accommodated two active children.  That model pool became the standard from then on.  Every year since it has been the one we spent our hard-earned dollars upon (in either green or blue.)



Fortunately it proved large enough to keep three of them content once the G joined the fray.


Today I filled the pool for probably the last time this season.  School begins in three days and even though the weekends are a possibility it seems we spend little time with it on Saturdays or Sundays.  This year has seen a substantial drop in interest with the pool.  The girls still get excited when they see me fill it, but rarely request it.  The Boy shrugs his shoulders at the opportunity; he would rather go bike-riding with the boy next door.  As a result, this was probably the last year to include the early season run to Target for "the pool."

I find myself sadly sentimental about this "passage" (as I am about a lot of things regarding the kids of late.)  I will miss the constant smell of sunscreen.  I will miss the exhaustion-provoked naps that followed their splashing.  I will miss their screams of "Make It Rain!" as I thumb the hose-end and chase them about the yard.  I will miss the constancy of towels drying in the sun every late afternoon.  I will miss the sound of their laughter as I make snacks to appease them when it is time to come in.  I will miss the clumped mass of grass clippings floating there at day's end.  I will even miss the exertion from dumping the last of the water that failed to drain or, patch in hand, the frustration of desperately seeking the most recent hole.  I will miss running a towel over their heads and the tangled mass of child hair left in its wake.  I will miss the sincere "thank you" that soundtracked the filling of the pool, and the joyful, wet, hugs after.

But mostly, I will miss my kids being little kids, because all too quickly they just aren't anymore.




Saturday, May 10, 2014

What It Was (again)

Several year ago I wrote this little post about my nostalgia for a particular summer in my past.  It was a simple reminiscence.


Me during the the summer of '85, half my lifetime (and 40lbs) ago


It's the traditional start of summer this weekend. Happy heat to all. It gets me thinking.

My best summer - in all respects - was 1985. Poverty stricken, meaningless soul-sucking employment, car-less, rent paid late every month - it didn't matter. It ranks above all others. Despite my relatively advanced age at the time (24), it felt like the last full blown summer of my youth. It was a grand one and I remember it fondly. It was magnificent precisely because it lacked substance - material or otherwise - and so it had a pure, zen-like, in-the-moment, perfection. In the interest of full disclosure, there was, as I remember, a lot of beer as well.


There were other good ones: '93 (the first summer I knew Curry), '91 (three months and 10,000 miles of driving with the Padre), and '90 which, despite (or perhaps, because of) its proximity to my brother's death, was similar to that live-each-moment ideal. I spent a good portion of that lost summer of grief with GE on a secluded NoCal beach contemplating waves, fog and cold - testical-retracting - water. Though all three remain special, they still dim in comparison to that last boyish season of the mid 1980's.


Perhaps, like all memories, I merely glean the best and gloss the rest, but every year about this time I get nostalgiac for that summer of bliss (and the poverty-shrugging, thin, young, man who inhabited it) half a lifetime ago.

What was your best summer?


At the time, Rhonda, the person with whom I had spent a good portion of that summer responded:

I don't recall that summer, exactly. You'll have to give me some reminders.

When I saw her comment I dashed off a response filled with memories. It was stream of consciousness, and in many ways more poetic than my original post.

I came across that old post this morning, and my response, and was moved.  I liked what I had written, but felt the hooks of memory getting more bites and decided to fill out my response more fully.  It is, in many respects, meaningless to anyone but the two of us.
So be it.

RC:

It was a summer bookended by a frozen, Memorial Day move in, and a sweaty, Labor Day, ER to remedy your enormous blisters. 
It was the summer of your apartment on Clarkson and my hollow studio on Penn. 
My summer of white t-shirts, long boxers and ripped, khaki shorts. 
Of cantelope lunches and crockpot dinners. 
Of my $4 haircuts (from a mad, Cyprian, combed-over barber.) 
Of my golden brown flesh. 
Of your blondest of blond locks.
Of your brownest of brown roots. 
Of weekend rides to the park, and reservoir beach days with Rat. 
Of biking home from work to meet you on your building's stoop, and the stifling heat when I stayed overnight. 
Of my first viewing of Summer Lovers and my puzzlement of its meaning for you. 
Of ghastly Power Station at Red Rocks and delightful Prizzi's Honor at the cinema. 
Of our first meal at The Rattlesnake Club, and far less sophisticated fare elsewhere. 
Of me mocking you seeing St. Elmo's Fire and you mocking me seeing nothing. 
Of Kyle obsessively cleaning laundramat washers, and me obsessively avoiding cleanliness. 
Of weekly FACs with Jeff at the new City Spirit. 
Of my drunken appearances at your door after.  
Of our restricted range, but much better journeys in that season without any cars. 
Of your first trip to San Francisco, and the postcard you sent from there (I still have it and laugh at the "recalled watermelon" clipping you pasted to it). 
Of Fables of the Reconstruction and Reconstruction of the Fables. 
Of Gene Loves Jezebel bouncing from your speakers and Days of Wine and Roses lurching out of mine. 
Of Mark's unannounced visit from nowhere, and no other visitors at all. 
Of dabbled photographs, and dabbled watercolors, and dabbled collage. 
Of fresh fruit in a colander (that I still own), and bread with a snappy crust. 
Of Pip in her snobbish glory, and Tuffy in his vacant repose. 
Of Ben-way's first sunny season, and Ruth Gordon, Orson Welles, Yul Brynner and Rock Hudson's last. 
It was a summer whose "plan for the future" referred to the weekend - that basked in Kristofferson's truth.   
It was a summer of no means at all, but our world didn't cost a thing.

And it was the best summer of my life.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Seasons Change


Hmmm...
It was more than 6 years ago that I began this blog.  Nearly 3 years since I last posted.  In that three years of blogging there were more than a thousand posts.
Ahh, heady times.

Life got in the way.  The litany of family upheavals, the usurpation of fast updates via Facebook, the sense that I was writing rather than living, and the passing of the personal blog into its little corner of history all led to the abandonment.  It wasn't just me.  Most of the blogs I linked and followed have tottered down the same dusty trail - Curry, Blaize, Steve, etc have packed it up and chucked it in.  Only Banks maintains his corner of the blogosphere.

The funny thing is, I find myself referring back to this blog regularly.  It acts a repository of memories and history from that time: a little diary of my life - my family's life.  It's surprising how often it reminds me of something I would have forgotten entirely had it not been for this documentation.

So...
After much internalized debate I've opted to start again, to try to make the dots connect with some degree of regularity.  Years from now, as my memory becomes even more corrupted, perhaps this will be my map back.  This is a new season for our lives.  They aren't little kids anymore.

In the meantime,
People grow...