Mouse House

I do not like the Mouse. The Mouse and his pals annoy me and have always represented nothing more than commercial and material indoctrination. Basically, in my world, the Mouse sucks. So why then, you ask, are we going to The House of Mouse in two weeks. Because, I love my family, that's why.

When my wife and I went to Paris a couple of years ago, before we started breeding, her single request of the trip to the City of Light was a visit to Eurodisney. I was mildly appalled; the Louvre, the Gare D'Orsay, Montmarte, even the frigging Eiffel Tower, but Disney? Nonetheless, I acquiesced with the full expectation that I would never again have to cross into fantasyland. Besides, I figured, I can't condemn what I've never experienced. Now, of course, I can.

The French should never have a Disneyland. It is too incongruous. When we asked directions upon entering the park, the employee, dressed in the Victor Hugo cape-coat, answered our question in perfect, but accented, english and then asked if there was anything else with which he could assist us. We said, "No, thank you." To which he responded with frightening cheerfulness, "Well then, have a magical day!" What!! Mon Dieu, Pierre, you're French - what's wrong with you?! Light up a Gitane and give me some attitude, but this isn't right. It was like taking a prized stallion and gelding him. It was sad. The entire place was like that; plastic, against the grain, square peg in a round hole, bizarre.

For Christmas this year I gave the family the ultimate gift. Ultimate not because of price or rarity, but because it was truly altruistic. I gave them Disneyland. My wife was delighted and has been looking forward to it since my announcement. The kids are clueless. The Girl is too young to have any opinion and the Boy has absolutely no experience with anything Disney. He couldn't pick Mickey out of a line-up. Goofy and Pluto, Donald and the Seven Dwarves are utterly foreign to him. He has never seen a Disney movie other than from their subsidiary, Pixar, and I aim to keep it that way.

My wife thought we should introduce him to a few things before the trip but I like the idea of hitting him with it all at once. Sensory overload. I secretly entertain the idea of him screaming in Mickey's face in terror. Probably not the first time that's happened, but Mickey's never heard my Boy. It could turn into a weekend by the pool for us if he can't handle the onslaught.

The trip of course has been complicated by my latest injury. Because of my knee, I may be forced to ride only the Teacups, but it isn't as if he could ride the big ones anyway. Crutches, two kids under three, and Disneyland; that spells F-U-N. We will survive, and it is part of the American Childhood Experience.

I will probably have a good time. I love it when my kids enjoy themselves and that's all I need. Who knows? Maybe I, too, will have myself a "Magical Day". But I'm not betting the house on it.