what the baby needs

When pregnant with the first kid my wife and I dutifully waded through all the books and websites of various How to, What to, When to, Which to advice. Most of it was/is crap, though there were occasional insights. The books collect dust now and the websites have all been deleted from my bookmarks, sent back to the ether.

Everyone who has had a kid, and an obnoxious few who haven't, think they know. They have been annointed and must spread the gospel. It comes with the territory. The new parent's job is to wend their way through it with the full knowledge that it means nothing. It might make you feel better, but at 2:00 am with a screaming infant in your lap and no hope of ever sleeping again nothing makes you feel better.

The same thing goes for products. The baby industrial complex is booming and they are there to "help you". If you thought you coveted before, wait till you throw in some newborn adoration and a measure of desperation. If you are expecting your first bundle of joy prepare to brave the sea in a skiff made of plastic; the S.S. Citicard. Gear is expensive, but that's why we have baby showers.

In honor of Curry's upcoming production I offer my short list of needs and nots (I told you we're all experts).

NEEDS

• Tivo - I don't care if you never watch TV - you will - and 2:00 am sucks for anything other than old music videos and informercials featuring that bearded Oxyclean ass. Tivo will save you. Anything at anytime. Kid's screaming? Pause. Nodding off? Rewind. Overtired spousal viewing disagreement? Save. It protects marriages. It prevents child-abuse related jail time. It is forgiving and always loves you. If you have to choose between Tivo and a car seat, opt for Tivo - the kid doesn't have anywhere to go anyway.

• Baby Bjorn Baby Sitter - This simple, elegant device has been used for both of ours. Kid sits, kid bounces. It can put a thorny tot to sleep in moments. Our daughter has probably slept more in her bouncy than in her crib. There is nothing mechanical - if you want to rock it a light pressure with your foot will do the trick (and tone those calves). There are the wind up model bouncy seats. There are the battery operated types. But I have two problems with them. First they are invariably ugly. There's enough vomitous baby crap you're forced to suffer without having to endure something that can't spend most of its wretched aesthetic life crammed in a closet; that will stare back at you from the living room floor every day of your miserable waking existence. The bjorn is easy on the eyes. The second issue is more ethical. When you wind up or turn on a bouncy seat you are essentially abdicating, walking away, literally, from your parental engagement. Some people may be offended by that and if you are one, I'm sorry, I didn't mean you (feel better?). But come on, what's so hard about using your foot anyway?
  

• Fuzzi Bunz - Ok, here's a sticky one. Cloth or Disposable? It's one of those arguments that can get heated. We went with cloth for all the obvious reasons; we aren't filling landfills with more shit, literally; we aren't racing out at 2:00 am when we discover the Pampers sack is tapped; we aren't raising the possibility of our kids contracting asthma; we aren't fighting diaper rashes. Even if those reasons didn't exist the simple economics would tip the scales; Disposables = 8 diapers per day X 365 days per year X 3 years till potty-trained X $0.25 per diaper = $2200.00 ............ Cloth diapers = 54 total diapers (18 each in 3 different sizes) X $15.00 per diaper = $810.00. Even if you toss in 10 bucks a month in extra laundering costs (and that is high) you still only hit $1170, HALF the cost of disposables. Thinking bout more than one kid? Disposables = $2200 X (# of kids). Cloth Diapers = $0.00 (they're reusable, remember). But wait! There's more! We already sold the smallest set for half what we paid. The diapers may be Fuzzi, but the math isn't. We keep some disposables on hand but only for long trips or emergencies. It's cheap, gang. We went with the Fuzzi Bunz after testing a few others. We couldn't be happier. They clean up nicely and never leak (unless there's something explosive). We launder every other day - it's routine now - and even though I still hate scraping crap into the toilet, once you're a parent you will be amazed at how immune you are to things you once considered vile (a little crap is the least of it).

• rubber bands - Sounds stupid, no? Look, once the critter starts motoring, your house is a disaster waiting to happen. They have loads of safety latch thingies that are expensive, mar your furniture with drill holes, and break all the time. We long ago abandoned them and just went with the durable rubber band around the knobs. They make it a bit of a pain to get into the cabinets, but, really, isn't that the point? Stock up - they work.

• costco diaper wipes - There really isn't anything that will humble you like wiping another person's ass six or seven times a day for a couple of years. It is drudgery. And you will fly through wipes. We tried reusables - really tried - but they just never made the grade. So the best thing we found are the inexpensive, buy by the case, Kirkland Baby Wipes. You can't really beat them.
  

NOTS

• Humidifier - "Oh all those colds and congestion - you have to have a humidifier for the baby's room." Bull. We bought one before our first was born. Our second is a year old now. The humidifier is still in the box. Nuff said.



• Toys - Every kid needs toys. I, myself, even had a couple growing up. But babies? Please. A coke can, some duct tape and pine nuts - welcome to a home-made rattle that the kid will like a lot more than that plastic, bisphenol-laden, ugly-ass, piece of crap you saw at Babies R Us. And all "toys" are like that, at least for the first year. A couple of stuffed animals, some blocks and maybe a shape-sorter; that's your list. Anything else you can devise - the Toy Hall of Fame didn't induct the cardboard box for no reason.



• Hooded Bath Towels - Good God!
  


• Playpen - There are arguments that can be made for these things, just as there are arguments that can be made for Pelican Bay. Really, kids are supposed to explore the world, not stare at it longingly through bars or impenetrable mesh. If you don't have the time to watch your kids and the spare change for some rubber bands, maybe you shouldn't have... well, you know the rest. If you must have something to keep the kid occupied, forget the cage and get a Gymini.
  


• Baby Videos -Crap, Crap, Crap! They don't need them and, according to the American Academy of Pediatricians, TV under two is bad. Baby Einstein, my ass! Oh and if you want to watch something wait till they're sleeping, at least for the first year (another reason for Tivo).
  


• Elastic Bottomed Infant Sleepers - Forget it, it's pointless. A onesie and a good book on swaddling is all you need.

Trust me on the swaddling, it will save you come 2:00 am.